Black EVA
by Cetacious
Summary: Introspection into Touji Zuzuhara during the EVA03 incident


Black EVA  
  
It was hard to believe I had actually gone that far. I pushed the button on my wrist and the blue plastic suit immediately sticked onto my skin. There were lots of people moving around outside. They were noisy and moved around lots of iron things. They were expecting me. I thought of Hikari. The way she had looked at me the other day. There were some things that I just knew. It was in her eyes, in her face, somewhere. Everywhere. I didn't know what it was. I had never felt something similar before; neither had a person looked at me like that. But that thing was true. It had no need to be said.  
The door to the small room opened and a man came in.  
-Touji Suzuhara? Please come with me, boy.  
I stepped up. Out into the enormous hall full of bridges and cages. It was the biggest hall I had ever seen. So much vertical spaces they seemed infinite and ups and downs everywhere. Mechanics in orange suits ran from one side to another, shouting words I couldn't understand. And in the middle there was this big black thing. I remembered my sister. She was still in hospital. It had almost been a month that far. Just because that stupid pilot... No. Shinji. It had not even been a stupid pilot, I mean, only if Shinji can really be said to be stupid. But no. Shinji was my friend. He was a really nice guy. He wouldn't... Oh, God. And I was supposed to drive one of those too.  
-Alright, Touji, - the man said, - would you come this way, please.  
I followed him. We started walking on an iron bridge around the thing. Each of our steps sounded and echoed around us. The problem with my sister had only been an accident. Only an accident. It didn't depend on her. Neither it depended on Shinji. Any one could have an accident... I could have an accident. I didn't know what to think about that. I was... responsible for all of Tokyo3.  
As we turned around it I saw its face. It smiled big and black like a skull. Those eyes seemed to absorb all of the light around them. And there was no return out of them. It slept. It was still asleep, only waiting for me to awaken it. And once it had, who'd be in control? Me or it? No one can control accidents. How many sisters would I carry on me?  
We continued turning around and stopped at a strange device on the thing's neck. I closed my eyes and saw Hikari smile. Hikari. But why now? Why not before or after? Why did that have to happen right now? It could all have come when all of this crap was over. This crap had to be over some day. I needed it to end as soon as possible. I needed to run away. Out of there. This wasn't my home. I wanted home.  
-You should be proud to defend your home, boy, - the man on my left smiled.  
And if I was the only one capable of defending them, then there was no escape. No way out from this curse. Some people say the necessities of many are more important than the necessities of few. They mean that the problem with my sister was necessary to save my home. And I was the one who had to carry out this flag in the name of the many now. Even if all I knew crumbled, the world would be better like that. Even if accidents happened.  
-Come on boy, - the man said, pointing at the device, which had opened, - get in.  
I sat into the capsule and it closed onto me. Pitch black as I was driven into the black thing. I breathed darkness now. I felt a liquid filling the small place. It smelled somehow like blood. I lay my head down and lost my hopes. The blood rose to wet my hands.  
  
-Heat. There is someone with me. She is near. She is closer to me than anyone has ever been, that close she's even inside me. Or maybe I am in her. She is all around me. It makes no more difference, for we are one. One in our naked togetherness. Her heat is mine  
-and my heat is hers  
-as she eats from me.  
Who are you? Why are you here? What do you want from me? I'm scared. You're strange to me. Grow like roots into what I am.  
-But you are not the black thing. That's good.  
-Why have you come?  
-It does not matter. You're here already. We are. Finally together. I open my eyes and my mouth. And heat surrounds me as I break my chains. And I look at her hands, which are mine and free. And then I walk. I must walk forward without anyone to stop me. I must get to my goal.  
The heat is behind me now. It's going away. Before me the long fields stretch. I came here to search my home. Because I want home. They stole it and now it lies behind these long deserts. It is a wide desert. Its sand is red and hot.  
There is one thing I just have to do. And I walk towards it. We need him. The one. And they won't stop us.  
-There is a blue girl in front of me. It's Rei Ayanami  
-who wants to stop me. She must not top me. I must go on. She has a gun. She will shoot at me.  
-Why? Ayanami, it's me! Don't shoot!  
-She's aiming at me. She has direct orders. She is one of them. So I jump onto her and take her down. I must take her down. She must die for standing in my way and keep me from the home.  
-I want home,  
-and I shall not let anything stop me.  
-She's not of importance anymore. We must go on,  
-no matter what.  
-There is now a red girl in front of me. It's Asuka Langley  
-waiting to destroy me. She must die too. She shall fall and bite the dust of this hot stone grave to which the hers condemned me. She will  
-die! Stop it! It's Asuka. Why am I killing Asuka? What is this thing in me  
-which is part of me  
-but is not mine? You are not me! Go away! I don't want you! I hate you! You are not my home. I am tired of this. I can't stand it any longer. I want home  
-but it lies beyond those hills, below their dogma, far from me. They stole it. I shall get it back. I must get it back. But there is still one  
-white boy in front of me. It's Shinji Ikari. My friend. With who I spend my time and shared my smile. He lives here in Tokyo3, in an apartment with miss Katsuragi and Asuka. He is a little strange, you know, maybe he's afraid or just a little dumb. Still he's a nice person.  
He's not doing anything. He just stands there. Waiting  
-for me to step closer so he can attack. To stop me. I must attack first. I must attack. Kill him. Destroy  
-Shinji  
-to get home. All what matters is getting home. Once I am home all will be fine. There will be no more pain. No more me, no more you. There will no longer be a her. And  
-the black thing will be gone. This disgusting black thing they built to  
-stop me. To keep me  
-from home. They won't. I must  
-jump and take him down, destroy him. Kill him. Now I strangle him and cut his breath and  
-Shinji still doesn't do a thing but gets out of air. I feel his throat under her hands, which are mine. Longing for air. Desperately trembling as I squish it.  
-He will die.  
-Now the eyes of another one by him light up and awaken. It isn't him anymore. It's  
-that disgusting  
-black thing which grabs onto my throat and  
-now strangles me. It is stronger than me and it is killing me and it is now letting me out of air  
-and I don't feel her limbs anymore. We are alone now.  
-Together  
-in the dark.  
...  
Pain!  
-My limbs are ripped into pieces  
-and her flesh flies though the air and her blood runs over the fields painting the black thing's guilt in a deep red as she fades away and leaves me alone, on my own, far from home and sober.  
  
It smelled like clorophorm. I felt the smell. My head was hurting. I felt dizzy. And I felt I was alone. Or not that much. There was Shinji. Shinji Ikari. My friend. But he was there, not in me, like... I really couldn't remember anything certain. Vanishing images. Maybe strange dreams of a past night. Now they all faded away. But I was happy of not talking to anyone. Of having my thoughts for my very self. I faded into sleep again, knowing no one else would be there. Proud and victorious. I think I saw Shinji and Ayanami discussing about something. But I didn't understand them. They were not me. They were strange, different. Then it all went dark again.  
-Yes ma'am, thank you very much.  
A voice came from the outside. Now that there was an outside there was also an inside. And it was all mine. But that voice... it was her again. The voice I had been waiting for. I opened my eyes and saw her deeply looking into me, sitting on a chair in front of me. There was something in that image or maybe it was just in my eyes, but it was there, very much more present than myself, burning lively like a sun inside of me. The black thing seemed to be completely gone now, at least from my side. No more accidents would be happening in a long time. It was all clear now.  
-Welcome home- I whispered 


End file.
